"You are Enough."

My morning started on this Memorial Day at 3:38AM. I don't recall exactly what roused me, but I knew there was no point in trying to lay around for those last 22 minutes before my alarm went off, so I quickly began to get ready.  By the time my alarm would have gone off, I was pretty much ready... All I had left to do was bide my time until I planned to leave the house at 6...

Shortly after eating a banana and brewing a cup of coffee, I checked Facebook, and saw the sweetest cheerful message from one of my friends regarding a picture I'd posted from last year's race. I had been nervous before I went to bed last night. This wasn't my first race, or even my first time to do this particular event. In fact, I was so glad that I was actually pretty familiar with the area around the VBC this year. But... I knew how well I'd managed to do last year and I have a tendency to try to one-up myself when I go out to run.

I am not Shalane Flanagan or Kara Goucher, but my normal pace is pretty good for a recreational runner. Considering that I never really excelled at anything sporty "growing up", that "pretty good" has been a real source of pride for me in the year and a half that I've been running.

As a stay-at-home mom, my daily responsibilities lean more to "investment for the future" than "immediate gratification", but when I'm able to keep pace with or best a time on a particular route, I feel like I've actually accomplished something on that particular day. That's not the only reason I run, but it is a notable part of why.

I've probably thought on that topic before on my runs, but this morning, it felt different. This morning it felt as if there was a reason the thought had come to my mind.

I was rather surprised when I heard Miss LK stirring at about 4:30 as she's been sleeping until 7 or 8 most mornings, but I was glad to take her into my arms this morning. As LK giggled, cooed, and smiled, my friend's words about my just having a baby started to sink in. I kept dismissing that fact these last couple of months as I thought of it as a potential excuse. I don't like excuses - for most of my adult life up till this point I've clung to excuses. But... she's not an excuse. She's a blessing.

As I fed her, my mind was filled with that thought. I mean a year ago, I had no idea that within a month of the CRR 2011, she would come into being. I was in the best shape I'd ever been in, but instead of really recognizing the fact, I was consumed with dropping 5 more pounds and finishing with a sub-9/mile pace.

After I put her down in her crib, I sipped my coffee and tried to deal with what I guess amounts to some sort of sinus infection. In fact, if I were truly wise, I wouldn't be running until the congestion is cleared from my chest... but I'm a silly girl. In fact, I've found I have a knack for gardening in the rain. Ha!

At any rate, I found my way to the start, and soon after, I once again found myself wavering from my typical "race mindset" as the announcer delivered a stellar prayer that reminded me of why it is that we celebrate Memorial Day. My heart was once again full of thanks, but this time for the men and women who have died for our freedom. I couldn't help but cry during Taps.

And soon we were off...

But I tried to conserve my energy as best I could rather than take off as I normally do. After all, it was quite hot and still pretty humid. I wanted to make sure I was in it for the long haul. Yes, in the back of my mind, I knew that I have even recently knocked out 10K+ distances, but... I don't know. There was just something different about this day. I couldn't quite put it into words in the early goings, but I just felt it.

I started walking much earlier than I typically have. That wasn't my plan, but as I was sorta wheezing, I thought it was probably best.

I happened to see my campus pastor and his wife along the way. I can't really begin to fully explain how glad I was to see them. The short of it... they embodied the blessing I've received from my church over the past several months. Last year, I was a complete newcomer... I had no ties to the community in which I'd been placed. Now I am a part of a wonderful church family. For the first time in my life, I am actually INVOLVED in a church. A church where I gladly serve and can definitely feel the further development of my relationship with Christ. Yes, my Cove family is certainly a blessing.

I almost chuckle as I recount it now, but given that one of the primary tips given to runners preparing for a race is "don't do anything you haven't done before on the day of the event"... well, it seems silly that I would have suddenly decided to wear sunscreen. Especially on my face. From probably about mile 2 till well after I made it home, I couldn't quite see out of my left eye due to the sting of the "sweatproof" sunscreen. To make it even more amusing, whenever I attempted to wipe that eye with my shirt, my nose would run, so I'd find myself quickly tilting my head back upright and sniffling. I'm fairly certain that I appeared to be suffering/crying/in pain to a few folks along the way, but alas, no... "Sweatproof" sunscreen and allergies were the culprits.

Ah, and then there was the hill... that evil evil EVIL hill. My memory had apparently allowed it to be less evil than it is in actuality. I even kidded myself into thinking that running a few of the nearby hills in the last few weeks might actually prepare me to run rather than walk. Again, I'm a silly girl.

But I did see my friend who had been so kind to share those words of encouragement via Facebook. She'd mentioned where she was planning to cheer on the runners and for the first time ever in an event, I found myself looking around. I mean REALLY looking around - not just for how I was pacing or where the next water station was... As I continued to smile as I trudged up that hill (yes, smiling - it's something of a weird habit of mine...), a fella joked that I had just run this hill no problem yesterday, but just felt like taking it easy today. I chuckled.

From that point on, I tried to do a better job to thank the folks who had come out to cheer us on, as well as the volunteers. Gosh, I feel like such a dork - I just wanted to go up and hug 'em.

The folks with the motivating music pumpin', who raised a toast as we passed by.

The little fella who held onto the water hose with a little help from an adult and sprayed those lucky enough to be near its stream. I'll even expand that to all the folks so kind as to turn on their sprinklers for us.

The fella who carried a flag - who served as an in-race reminder of the special meaning of this day. Goodness, I wanted so bad to thank him loudly and proudly for that, but instead whispered softly for fear of creeping him out or something. I always feel like anything I might think to say will never be enough and will not even come close to what servicemen and women deserve....

The ladies who made a point to cheer on the girls. Yes, girl power! ;) Special kudos to the lady who was kind enough to say I was doing really well as I was still smiling so late in the race.

The Mississippi State fans and their cowbells. I wanted to yell out an appropriate "Go Dawgs" as I'd already heard just about enough of "Roll Tide", but as I prepared to open my mouth, I felt an initial "Hotty Toddy" ready to bust out and before I could think of "Go Dawgs" my response window had already passed. At any rate, "Go Dawgs!"

The officer who made a point to say congrats and tell me how well I was doing.

Am I long-winded and sentimental? Yes, but thankful. So thankful.

In that last... half-mile maybe? I felt the breeze for perhaps the first time all day. I realized at that moment that it was a beautiful day. Hot. Humid. But beautiful nonetheless. And even though the clock had long since registered a time close to my PR last year... I was truly happy to be alive. To be in that moment, doing something that I love to do.

When suddenly, I could see the finish just ahead. The struggles that I'd encountered all race long just sort of melted away and my legs were free. I sprinted to the finish. The clock read '1:06:53'. Considering I'd finished almost ten minutes faster last year, I could have been quite devastated. But I wasn't. I was glad that I'd been able to finish.

Of course, getting free chocolate milk wasn't such a bad consolation prize. ;)

Yes, I still struggled to make it back to my car as I quite often had to close my eyes just to keep them from burning like crazy. And no, I didn't have the sense to actually STOP and DO something about it. Again, I'm a silly ole girl. Luckily no people or cars were injured in the process.

So I didn't accomplish a PR or even come close. I didn't even manage to run that much of the race. I hadn't really PROVED anything.

But God did.

My whole life I've been blessed, but unfortunately, it's not uncommon for me to get so caught up in a "rat race" that I lose sight of that fact.

Instead, I dwell on achieving what is technically considered a "runner's pace", negative comments about people who run in skirts or smile when running (like how they aren't REAL runners), or how I'm not back to the same weight I was pre-pregnancy. Or how I don't always deliver my stories exactly as scripted to the kids in our preschool class at church. Or how my 2-year-old can really act like he wants to own the familiar moniker associated with his age. Or how I still don't make it out of the house to various cool events that I'm invited to...

Generally, I'd say I am a happy person, but I'm waaaaay too hard on myself. I always have been and honestly I've been too dependent on others to define my personal expectations.

But today's race was a gift from God.

You are my child. You are enough.