“I have been through some really terrible things in my life…..a few of which actually happened.” - Mark Twain
While I've been having some wonderful training runs even as cold as it is outside right now, I find myself coming to the same line of thought... What do you do if someone you love seems to live in a fantasy world? Not the dreamy type of fantasy either. But a world where any and every one is out to get you at any given moment. Where everything that has ever happened in that person's life had happened to them - s/he has always been a victim. Where they are only able see the bad things - almost as no good exists.
Even in light of this world - s/he claims to be jubilant at the strides made. Which would be more convincing coming from someone without tears streaming down his/her face.
What if other people in this person's life see there is a problem, but feel helpless to stop it? Do you follow in their steps, or do you keep with it even though your emotional well-being is at stake as you will become the latest perpetrator of the day, week, etc.
What do you do?
What do I do?
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Wednesday, December 08, 2010
Am I a 10 yet?
So, my chief objective for this year was to "Be a 10 in 2010". Weight loss wise I feel I've done a fine job. Yes, I have about 10 more pounds to go till I make it to my perhaps idealized 145, but 60 pounds down isn't something at which you should scoff. I'm proud of that much. I'm proud that I've been able to exercise consistently for, oh, about 8 months. That I've taken control of my eating - instead of letting it control me (even though it IS getting really hard to stick to my calorie budget when there are SOOOO many sweets about).
What I am disappointed in though.... is the fact that I am severely lacking in self-confidence. I've never been so insecure. Even though I know I'm not as big as I once was, I can't convince myself that I actually look thin. I've always been this curvy girl.... and now the curves just don't seem dynamic enough or something. I mean my waist never seems small enough even though my stomach is flat. There are times when my "saddlebags" are extremely noticeable. My body fat percentage is ONLY in the fitness range. My BMI is ONLY 22.9... When will it feel like enough? When will I be good enough for myself?
Self-confidence comes from within. My lack of self-confidence is my own fault, but I have to say that it certainly doesn't help when I see all these magazines and Victoria's Secret catalogs with models SO thin. I mean THEY look thin. I just feel like I still look so big by comparison. I mean in my mind the fact that I'm a 6 going on a 4... just isn't good enough. That's sick.
My main goal for 2011 is to work on my self-image. This has prompted me to start looking for articles and the like to get me in this positive frame of mind... to accept my body as the unique thing of beauty that it is. One of the articles I've come upon is from Glamour of all places: "These Bodies are Beautiful at Every Size"
Sure, I can see where it's more aesthetically pleasing to look at thinner people... it seems like an insane industry where I would be bordering on being "plus-sized". I always thought it was stupid that being a 12 made you plus sized when I was a 12 and I still think so. It's good to promote a healthy lifestyle for men and women, but if the bar is set so unrealistically high so that you must be SUPER thin to be recognized for being fit, doesn't it seem to logically follow that people just give up? I mean we have more overweight and obese people in this country than ever before. Yes, I know I personally overindulged in food, so that even when I exercised, I was still getting too many calories, and I don't doubt that people need to learn a bit more self-control.... but I must admit that it's reassuring when people realize that we need to re-examine how we as a society define beauty.
What I am disappointed in though.... is the fact that I am severely lacking in self-confidence. I've never been so insecure. Even though I know I'm not as big as I once was, I can't convince myself that I actually look thin. I've always been this curvy girl.... and now the curves just don't seem dynamic enough or something. I mean my waist never seems small enough even though my stomach is flat. There are times when my "saddlebags" are extremely noticeable. My body fat percentage is ONLY in the fitness range. My BMI is ONLY 22.9... When will it feel like enough? When will I be good enough for myself?
Self-confidence comes from within. My lack of self-confidence is my own fault, but I have to say that it certainly doesn't help when I see all these magazines and Victoria's Secret catalogs with models SO thin. I mean THEY look thin. I just feel like I still look so big by comparison. I mean in my mind the fact that I'm a 6 going on a 4... just isn't good enough. That's sick.
My main goal for 2011 is to work on my self-image. This has prompted me to start looking for articles and the like to get me in this positive frame of mind... to accept my body as the unique thing of beauty that it is. One of the articles I've come upon is from Glamour of all places: "These Bodies are Beautiful at Every Size"
Sure, I can see where it's more aesthetically pleasing to look at thinner people... it seems like an insane industry where I would be bordering on being "plus-sized". I always thought it was stupid that being a 12 made you plus sized when I was a 12 and I still think so. It's good to promote a healthy lifestyle for men and women, but if the bar is set so unrealistically high so that you must be SUPER thin to be recognized for being fit, doesn't it seem to logically follow that people just give up? I mean we have more overweight and obese people in this country than ever before. Yes, I know I personally overindulged in food, so that even when I exercised, I was still getting too many calories, and I don't doubt that people need to learn a bit more self-control.... but I must admit that it's reassuring when people realize that we need to re-examine how we as a society define beauty.
Bouncy bouncy...
I am chilled to the bone. Two times in a row I've gone out running when the temps were below 30. The wind has been unforgiving, and particularly aggravated by the experience have been my hands. I tried wearing my super nice North Face Denali gloves, but.... I've determined that they can only do so much to keep my hands warm when they get soaked with sweat. Of course, now that I've decided against running that half in February, my typical runs are only about 20 minutes right now, so if I could actually FIND them, those gloves might work just fine for now. Oh well, I'm just hoping for a nice pair of running gloves come Christmas....
So why did I decide against the half? I mean I really would LOOOOVE to run a half-marathon, but after that short bout with Achilles tendinitis (it lasted only about a week or so after I cut back on my training a bit), I began to question whether it was too much too soon. However, I guess it really just comes down to the fact that I wasn't really feeling it. For now, my next event will probably be the GumTree 10K, which will be the first Saturday in May. Having said that, if I can find an event before then... so much the better I think. Guess I need to keep my eyes open.
As I've been out running these last couple weeks - when I haven't been trying to convince myself that I still have feeling in my extremities, my mind has been going wild with all kinds of thoughts. Just rehashing all too familiar themes.... "Blood ties don't make us family", "How will I possibly deal with the onslaught of delicious sweet treats this holiday season?", "What makes some people so mean?", "Why do I feel so doggone bad about myself?"....
The topic that has come up most here recently relates to relations. For, oh, about 10 years, I had not seen or had anything much do with pretty much everyone on my momma's side of the family. I'd spent most of my vacations when I was younger down at my grandparents'. I loved them. I loved when I got to spend a little time with my cousins while I was down there, as they never ventured into our part of the state. When it was one-on-one, or thereabouts, it was wonderful, but when the "family" got together... My dad and I would essentially be pushed out of the way as if we were some sort of outsiders. In spite of this, I enjoyed getting to come down if for nothing else but to wrap my arm around my grandmother's shoulders and have her wrap her arm around my waist as we'd take whatever goodies Momma had brought for her over to their trailer. It was such a simple thing, but as I said, it just made the trip worthwhile as far as I was concerned. Probably about my junior year of high school, we stopped going down there quite as much - or at the very least, I didn't go down there for every major holiday. Once I got to college, I'm not sure I even went down there for Christmas. Then just before I got married, my grandmother died. Once she died, my desire to have anything do with most all those other people was gone.
That sounds harsh, but by and large, we just didn't have much in common. Almost all of them live within say 30 minutes of each other, so they are geographically closer and they seem to wander in the same social "circles". Education wasn't necessarily a priority, but God knows, hunting sure is. In fact, I don't think there is a male on that side of the family who doesn't live to hunt. The womenfolk are either wonderful cooks or skilled "traffic" directors. As much as I appreciate good Southern cooking, I loathe being herded. I also do not like the way women are essentially treated as subservient to men at such events. I am a traditional sort of girl and I have my own views, which can be a bit misogynistic to be quite honest, but I do not care for people who would force their ideas and beliefs on me, and there seem to be quite a few at such gatherings. Last Sunday was no exception. I was relieved that my baby was so restless, which allowed me to play outside with him during most of the party as I don't think I would care to be trapped in a small room with that lot even though some people in the crowd were among those dearest to my heart.
I'm not antisocial, but I prefer my social encounters to be meaningful. Being in a mass of people under this guise of family togetherness is counterproductive. If I'm not particularly wanted or needed in a particular situation, I'd do just as well to avoid it all together, and that's precisely what I intend to do for the remainder of my days when it comes to such gatherings.
I feel I've spent my life looking for a family to call my own. One where I really felt like I could be comfortable in my own skin. Where I was good enough just as I was. I've been blessed to know so many kind-hearted people in my life, and it's not unusual for me to adopt people into my family even if we don't stay in the closest contact - I mean that's nothing out of the ordinary for me, but still.... It's just a weird experience....
So why did I decide against the half? I mean I really would LOOOOVE to run a half-marathon, but after that short bout with Achilles tendinitis (it lasted only about a week or so after I cut back on my training a bit), I began to question whether it was too much too soon. However, I guess it really just comes down to the fact that I wasn't really feeling it. For now, my next event will probably be the GumTree 10K, which will be the first Saturday in May. Having said that, if I can find an event before then... so much the better I think. Guess I need to keep my eyes open.
As I've been out running these last couple weeks - when I haven't been trying to convince myself that I still have feeling in my extremities, my mind has been going wild with all kinds of thoughts. Just rehashing all too familiar themes.... "Blood ties don't make us family", "How will I possibly deal with the onslaught of delicious sweet treats this holiday season?", "What makes some people so mean?", "Why do I feel so doggone bad about myself?"....
The topic that has come up most here recently relates to relations. For, oh, about 10 years, I had not seen or had anything much do with pretty much everyone on my momma's side of the family. I'd spent most of my vacations when I was younger down at my grandparents'. I loved them. I loved when I got to spend a little time with my cousins while I was down there, as they never ventured into our part of the state. When it was one-on-one, or thereabouts, it was wonderful, but when the "family" got together... My dad and I would essentially be pushed out of the way as if we were some sort of outsiders. In spite of this, I enjoyed getting to come down if for nothing else but to wrap my arm around my grandmother's shoulders and have her wrap her arm around my waist as we'd take whatever goodies Momma had brought for her over to their trailer. It was such a simple thing, but as I said, it just made the trip worthwhile as far as I was concerned. Probably about my junior year of high school, we stopped going down there quite as much - or at the very least, I didn't go down there for every major holiday. Once I got to college, I'm not sure I even went down there for Christmas. Then just before I got married, my grandmother died. Once she died, my desire to have anything do with most all those other people was gone.
That sounds harsh, but by and large, we just didn't have much in common. Almost all of them live within say 30 minutes of each other, so they are geographically closer and they seem to wander in the same social "circles". Education wasn't necessarily a priority, but God knows, hunting sure is. In fact, I don't think there is a male on that side of the family who doesn't live to hunt. The womenfolk are either wonderful cooks or skilled "traffic" directors. As much as I appreciate good Southern cooking, I loathe being herded. I also do not like the way women are essentially treated as subservient to men at such events. I am a traditional sort of girl and I have my own views, which can be a bit misogynistic to be quite honest, but I do not care for people who would force their ideas and beliefs on me, and there seem to be quite a few at such gatherings. Last Sunday was no exception. I was relieved that my baby was so restless, which allowed me to play outside with him during most of the party as I don't think I would care to be trapped in a small room with that lot even though some people in the crowd were among those dearest to my heart.
I'm not antisocial, but I prefer my social encounters to be meaningful. Being in a mass of people under this guise of family togetherness is counterproductive. If I'm not particularly wanted or needed in a particular situation, I'd do just as well to avoid it all together, and that's precisely what I intend to do for the remainder of my days when it comes to such gatherings.
I feel I've spent my life looking for a family to call my own. One where I really felt like I could be comfortable in my own skin. Where I was good enough just as I was. I've been blessed to know so many kind-hearted people in my life, and it's not unusual for me to adopt people into my family even if we don't stay in the closest contact - I mean that's nothing out of the ordinary for me, but still.... It's just a weird experience....
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