Bouncy bouncy...

I am chilled to the bone.  Two times in a row I've gone out running when the temps were below 30.  The wind has been unforgiving, and particularly aggravated by the experience have been my hands.  I tried wearing my super nice North Face Denali gloves, but....  I've determined that they can only do so much to keep my hands warm when they get soaked with sweat.  Of course, now that I've decided against running that half in February, my typical runs are only about 20 minutes right now, so if I could actually FIND them, those gloves might work just fine for now.  Oh well, I'm just hoping for a nice pair of running gloves come Christmas....

So why did I decide against the half?  I mean I really would LOOOOVE to run a half-marathon, but after that short bout with Achilles tendinitis (it lasted only about a week or so after I cut back on my training a bit), I began to question whether it was too much too soon.   However, I guess it really just comes down to the fact that I wasn't really feeling it.  For now, my next event will probably be the GumTree 10K, which will be the first Saturday in May.  Having said that, if I can find an event before then...  so much the better I think.  Guess I need to keep my eyes open.

As I've been out running these last couple weeks - when I haven't been trying to convince myself that I still have feeling in my extremities, my mind has been going wild with all kinds of thoughts.  Just rehashing all too familiar themes.... "Blood ties don't make us family", "How will I possibly deal with the onslaught of delicious sweet treats this holiday season?", "What makes some people so mean?", "Why do I feel so doggone bad about myself?"....

The topic that has come up most here recently relates to relations.  For, oh, about 10 years, I had not seen or had anything much do with pretty much everyone on my momma's side of the family.  I'd spent most of my vacations when I was younger down at my grandparents'.  I loved them.  I loved when I got to spend a little time with my cousins while I was down there, as they never ventured into our part of the state.  When it was one-on-one, or thereabouts, it was wonderful, but when the "family" got together...  My dad and I would essentially be pushed out of the way as if we were some sort of outsiders.  In spite of this, I enjoyed getting to come down if for nothing else but to wrap my arm around my grandmother's shoulders and have her wrap her arm around my waist as we'd take whatever goodies Momma had brought for her over to their trailer.  It was such a simple thing, but as I said, it just made the trip worthwhile as far as I was concerned.  Probably about my junior year of high school, we stopped going down there quite as much - or at the very least, I didn't go down there for every major holiday.   Once I got to college, I'm not sure I even went down there for Christmas.  Then just before I got married, my grandmother died.  Once she died, my desire to have anything do with most all those other people was gone.

That sounds harsh, but by and large, we just didn't have much in common.  Almost all of them live within say 30 minutes of each other, so they are geographically closer and they seem to wander in the same social "circles".  Education wasn't necessarily a priority, but God knows, hunting sure is.  In fact, I don't think there is a male on that side of the family who doesn't live to hunt.  The womenfolk are either wonderful cooks or skilled "traffic" directors.  As much as I appreciate good Southern cooking, I loathe being herded.  I also do not like the way women are essentially treated as subservient to men at such events.  I am a traditional sort of girl and I have my own views, which can be a bit misogynistic to be quite honest, but I do not care for people who would force their ideas and beliefs on me, and there seem to be quite a few at such gatherings.  Last Sunday was no exception.  I was relieved that my baby was so restless, which allowed me to play outside with him during most of the party as I don't think I would care to be trapped in a small room with that lot even though some people in the crowd were among those dearest to my heart.

I'm not antisocial, but I prefer my social encounters to be meaningful.  Being in a mass of people under this guise of family togetherness is counterproductive.  If I'm not particularly wanted or needed in a particular situation, I'd do just as well to avoid it all together, and that's precisely what I intend to do for the remainder of my days when it comes to such gatherings.

I feel I've spent my life looking for a family to call my own.  One where I really felt like I could be comfortable in my own skin.  Where I was good enough just as I was.  I've been blessed to know so many kind-hearted people in my life, and it's not unusual for me to adopt people into my family even if we don't stay in the closest contact - I mean that's nothing out of the ordinary for me, but still....  It's just a weird experience....